We Are Santa’s Elves

Here’s a little story I wrote in 2006 that some people got a kick out of. I have quite a few new readers here, so I hope you all check it out. Enjoy!
*note* This was written a while ago, so don’t judge me on the writing too much. I have improved. :)

We Are Santa’s Elves

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It’s not always Christmas at the North Pole. Obvious, I know. People seem to think it’s candy canes, hot cocoa, and songs about snow all the time. We work hard too, though, and sometimes things are rough,like the time Santa barged into my office and told me we had to let some of the elves go. Worst day of my life.

The problem was, people would rather buy their toys from Wal-Mart or order them on-line than take the time to write a letter to Santa, not knowing if they were truly naughty or nice. We simply no longer needed so many workers.

It’s not like I didn’t try to improve our lot here in the North Pole. It was my idea to try Google adWords, to get people to consider us when they were searching the web for toys. Also, I figured it was time to pull back on the Santa’s Helpers program. When we first launched the program, it was important to get “Santa” out in the malls, to meet the kids and get their Christmas wishes directly. The Santa’s Helpers program, though clever at the time, was clearly no longer effective. And let’s be honest, Santa is an intimidating guy, more so when he is represented by a washed up alcoholic with a fake beard. Some screaming toddler peeing on some poor guy making minimum wage wasn’t helping anybody. We don’t need that type of publicity.

Not long after I broke the news to those poor elves, spending a few nights on the couch for letting a few of them crash at my place without the misses’ blessing in the process, I was walking past Ol’ Saint Nick’s office and noticed something peculiar. Sitting at Santa’s desk, with a big old grin on his face, laughing it up with the big guy, was that good for nothing Boddant. I was screwed.

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Boddant always had it out for me ever since Santa chose me as Head Elf over his father. Boddant was only a kid then, too young to realize his father was a crook who sold our secrets to the Sears Catalog people. I’ve had to watch my back with that one ever since.

I tried to eavesdrop on Boddant and Santa’s conversations, hoping to find out why they were so chummy all of a sudden. One day, as I was passing by Santa’s office I heard him yell “That’s it. BaioFan3479 is officially on the naughty list.” I hadn’t heard Santa yell that loudly since one of the Elves threatened to quit and go into dentistry. Curious, I returned to Santa’s office after everyone had gone home for the night, fired up Firefox, and checked out his browsing History. To my surprise, Santa was frequenting eBay. This was the man who had just recently proclaimed the Internet was a “dying fad”.

It was clear to me that Boddant had shown Santa eBay in order to distract him from what was going on in the shop. It was well known throughout the North Pole that Santa was a huge Scott Baio fanatic. Who hadn’t heard the story of how Mrs. Claus accidentally threw away Santa’s May 1986 issue of Teen Beat, with Scott Baio on the cover? With eBay, Santa could finally replace his lost heirloom. Boddant was merely exploiting this weakness. While Old Kris Kringle was out there browsing items on eBay, Boddant was standing over his shoulder telling Santa how bad I was performing, trying to get me fired. Well, I wasn’t going down without a fight.

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At first, I tried to talk to Santa directly, hoping to give him my side of the story. Unfortunately, you couldn’t coax Santa away from the computer with a ten foot candy cane and a bottle of Peppermint Schnapps. Without Santa, we were forced to guess on the Naughty or Nice list. No one knew the formula Santa used. This hurt Elf morale, causing us to fall further behind, fulfilling Boddant’s lies. If things didn’t change soon, we would not be ready for Christmas.

A few weeks before Christmas, I saw Boddant scamper down the hall and duck into his office, closing the door. This was followed by a steady stream of profanity flowing out of Santa’s mouth. I got up to try to calm the big guy down. The door was locked, so I walked back down the hall. Something was wrong with the whole situation, I thought myself. Was Boddant simply trying to avoid Santa’s wrath, or was something else happening? The next time I saw the little punk ducking out of Santa’s office, I tailed him. What I witnessed made everything clear.

Boddant was sniping Santa’s eBay bids, forcing him to spend more time on eBay on his elusive quest for Baio memorabilia. For the good of Christmas, and my job, Boddant had to be stopped. If Boddant was the one winning all those auctions, though, what was he doing with all the Scott Baio merchandise?

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Well, December 18th came around and I still had not completely figured out Boddant’s plan. The mood at the North Pole continued to deteriorate, though I was somehow able to hold things together.”Think of the children” was only going to last so long, though. Lucky for me, that was the day the FedEx guy showed up, with several packages for Boddant. Even better, I had the janitorial staff watching him and they told me they saw him place the packages in one of the closets in the reindeer stalls. On careful inspection, it was clear Boddant was stockpiling the stuff so he could give it to Santa. My only hope rested with a desperate phone call to my cousin in the States.

Christmas Eve, Santa called a surprise staff meeting, something he hadn’t done since the Great Cabbage Patch Kids Shortage of 1983. Santa strode to the podium, looking happier than I had seen him in quite some time. Standing to his right was Boddant, looking as though he just won the lottery. A hush came over the crowd of Santa’s elves. Santa was wearing a vintage Charles in Charge baseball cap.

“I know a lot of you are unhappy and are worried about your jobs,” said Santa in a voice that was at once authoritative and yet reassuring. “I think with a few changes, we can turn this thing around.” He was looking at me.

I checked my watch, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. It was going to be close.

Santa continued, “We need new ideas, new leadership, so that’s why I’m asking..”

Santa’s was interrupted by a voice was heard from afar. “Hold on Santa, I have something to tell you…” The entire place went silent, save for the sound of Boddant’s jaw dropping to the floor with a thud. The mysterious man walked over to me, put his arm around my shoulders, and said, “… I think you need to reconsider.”

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Scott Baio pointed to Boddant forcefully, “That man has been sneaking behind your back taking what was righfully yours. While you’ve been distracted, my good friend here has been holding things together. If it wasn’t for him, no one would be getting a gift for Christmas this year.”

The look on Santa’s face was the same look he had created on so many countless children’s faces throughout the centuries. Santa’s Christmas wish had come true. I’m not sure he even heard what Mr. Baio said, but I knew all was forgiven. Santa walked up to Scott and shook his hand. Then he did something I will never forget. He looked me in the eye, whispered “I’m Sorry”, and gave me the type of hug only Santa Claus could give. My Christmas wish had come true as well.

Scott signed autographs for the Elves right up until midnight, when he and Santa boarded the sleigh, delivering toys throughout the world. He stayed at the North Pole the rest of the winter at the Claus’s house, helping the big guy take a much needed break.

Needless to say, I kept my job as Head elf and was even made in charge of the Technology Team at the north pole, tasked with keeping on top of current technologies and how they could help operations. Santa was back to his old self, and in fact was even more dedicated to making children across the world’s dreams come true. Boddant was relegated to the reindeer pens, which was probably the worst job at the North Pole. You do not want to be near the reindeer pens after Rudolph has tasted some of Mrs. Claus’ chili.

Business eventually rebounded at the North Pole, thanks in part to royalties Santa received from The Polar Express and to a lesser degree The Santa Clause 3. Were it not for one man, though, I would probably not have a job. I will never forget the year that Chachie saved Christmas.

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19 thoughts on “We Are Santa’s Elves

  1. Pingback: Christmas Theme « The Struggling Writer

  2. Pingback: Merry Christmas « The Struggling Writer

  3. Paul, you totally cracked me up with that! Chachie saved Christmas! Oh I love how tongue in cheek the whole story was! Thanks for that! I’m suffering a head cold so the laugh was good for me!

    Merry Christmas to you and your family!

    E

  4. Paul, this made me laugh so hard!! I loved your humor here, and the conversational tone of the piece. Who knew Santa was such a fanboy? :D I really enjoyed this holiday treat!

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