A First Line

I have created a first line for the finest opening line contest at Paperback Writer. Here is my entry:

Of the items on my to-do list today — slay a demon, save the planet, go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond with the wife — only two were accomplished.

What do you think? I guess I was going for intriguing and humorous. Did anyone else enter?

6 thoughts on “A First Line

  1. I like it your humor. Your line brought forth a “humph,” and that’s good, meant I was surprised and amused. I was thrown for a second by Bed, Bath and Beyond, taking the first two literally at first. Maybe a different store would fit better? Hope you don’t mind my suggestion I am in a writers’ critique group and can’t help myself. .

  2. In response to david’s comment: could make the voice stronger with a little rearrangement (i.e., “On my ‘To Do’ list today: slay a demon, save the planet, go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond with the wife — two down, one to go.” or something in that vein). Intrigue and humor successfully conveyed.

  3. But maybe the narrator used the passive because not only he accomplished the tasks? i.e. maybe someone helped him?

    I am intrigued too! I like the idea of having fantasy/science fiction elements in a real world setting. I also like it because it’s funny! Bed, Bath and Beyond – maybe the Beyond is Beyond our world?!

  4. I like it…passive tense and all. Except for the confusing commas. Maybe Victoria’s Secret…except that is fun and sexy, not dorky and, well, dorky. Maybe one of the stores at the mall, like Yankee Candle Co. or Bath & Body Works.

    Now go work on writing the rest of the story.

  5. Thanks everyone for the feedback. I liked the “idea” of my sentence, but I will be honest I had trouble with the grammar. I like Cat’s suggestion, but I also like Helen’s defense.

    I do like the fact that the sentence generated questions.

    anhinga, I don’t mind the feedback. These comments are all very helpful.

    MIke, that is funny you mentioned Bath & Body Works. I was actually in the mall last night and thought of my line as I walked past Bath & Body Works. Luckily I was able to ignore the enticing halloween items and not enter the store!

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