I have a request for all of you. I am nearing the home stretch (and deadline) of the project I have been working on for the past month. The story I am writing is for a Theme Anthology, and it deals with a machine that with just a blood sample, will predict how you will die. The catch is that though the machine is never wrong, it is sometimes vague or misleading. For example, OLD AGE could mean run over by an old guy in a car. Anyhow, I have posted the opening paragraph of my story below, in which I’m trying to hook the reader to convince him or her to continue on. Put yourself in the place of an editor, would continue on with the story? Also, is there anything grammatically or stylistically you would change? I would really appreciate any constructive feedback you have. Anyhow, on to the story..
Sarah glanced at the atomic clock hanging in the family room of her parent’s house, just above the bookcase which held her many science fair trophies. Her parents and few remaining true friends had thrown her a birthday party, but she was feeling mixture of dread and anticipation rather than happiness. “4:00 PM,” she thought to herself. “I might be dead in less than four hours, but at least I’ll know for sure.” Sarah had received the prediction, BOMB AT 18, from the Annulment Predicator nearly a year prior, and she had barely slept a wink since. Adding to her anxiety was the constant ticking sound she had been hearing the past two days, an audible reminder that the end was near.
*****************************************UPDATE*******************************************
I was thinking about this and reworked the above paragraph a little. Here is the updated version (now two paragraphs):
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Sarah glanced at the atomic clock hanging in the family room of her parent’s house, just above the bookcase which held her many science fair trophies. Her parents and few remaining true friends had thrown her a party to celebrate her birthday, but she was feeling mixture of dread and anticipation rather than happiness. In less than four hours she would either be dead or nineteen years old, and although she preferred the latter Sarah awaited the closure either scenario would bring.
Sarah had received the prediction, BOMB AT 18, from the Annulment Predicator nearly a year prior, and she had barely slept a wink since. Adding to her anxiety was the constant ticking sound she had been hearing the past two days, an audible reminder that the end was near.
So, what do you think?
The Struggling Writer 